Thank you so very much for inviting me to your birthday party at your new assisted living home. Just had a wonderful time. I hope you like the leather shawl with the metal spikes I got for you.
So as a token of my esteem I hope you’ll accept this keepsake picture I attached of you slowly preparing to blow out the candles. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay to watch all three blown out but it did take you forty minutes just to wheeze the first one down and take a nap. By then visiting hours at the facility were running short. It is a lovely place you’re in. The staff seems nice. The guard in the tower even stopped shooting at an escaping patient for a second to wave to me when I arrived. There seems to be plenty of activities for the residents to stay active. The pole dancing classes and the meth lab seminars demonstrate very well-rounded thinking on their part.
Sure enjoyed the refreshments. The chocolate Ex-Lax fountain and the Feen-A-Mints on the table always spells class. Oh and how clever I thought the centerpieces were with the Depends shaped like swans. I can understand their party budget is limited but it would have been nicer if they had used new ones.
The Geritol cake and Activia was delicious though a tad dry. But with the Milk of Magnesia and Old Crow to wash it down it was all right and it was something easy for you to chew what with your loose dentures. And I don’t think the drooling bothered too many people. But if you can’t score any Poli-Grip on the geriatric black market let me know and I’ll mule some in for you. One other thing Dear. They prescribe you those incontinence meds for a reason. Please stop selling them to George in 3A for gin money.
The games were a hoot Mandie. I hadn’t played Twister in years. Sorry about that inadvertent brush across your chest with my hand when you were bending over but they were sort of blocking my reach to the green dot and I take no prisoners in Twister. Plus I forgot to account for saggage. I merely thought it was just a loose fitting blouse.
Since you’ve always so loved gardening I think it’s considerate of the management to let you have that half acre patch of ground just inside the electrified fence to work in for therapy.
You truly do have a green thumb Mandie. Your Acapulco Gold and Panama Red are just bursting with buds and the Maui Waui and Purple Haze are breathtaking. Literally. Probably makes a nice treat for BINGO night and it was kind of you to ‘donate’ a whole kilo of it to the orphanage.
I also think it’s terriffic that the shuttle bus drops you off to work a couple server shifts a week out at the country club so as to still feel useful. Aside from the food getting cold before you actually make it to the tables it seems to be working out ok. And your walker does make for a handy tray jack.
I hope your little friend Alex sobered up ok, the poor thing. I wanted to help. People kept stumbling over her in the hall so for safety sake I just slid her into the janitor’s closet next to some plungers to sleep it off. I meant to tell someone she was passed out in there but after she’d spilled enough Jack Daniels on me to melt the copper in my penny loafers and hurled vulgar obscenities at me in a gremlin voice all evening I guess it just slipped my mind.
But anyway thank you again Mandie my friend for allowing me to be a part of your special day, if you can remember it after fourteen Jäger bombs and a few pitchers of Stella.
Your Pal, Lar Bear
(I am soooo getting my butt kicked by her.)
Note: I apologize if anyone is offended. Especially anyone named Wangberg or Alarcon. It’s only a joke with a lady that I greatly admire who talked me through a very difficult time and I’m grateful. I wouldn’t embarrass Mandie or her family for the world. Not even for front row seats at a Steely Dan concert. I have a quirky writing style that she understands provided she’s still speaking to me. However I pleadingly hope she forgives me and at least one person clicks Like as this may be my last post for awhile. I’m still new to restaurant terminology but there’s a fair chance next time I work with Mandie she’ll shove my genitalia into a kitchen device I’ve learned is called a Robot Coupe. Besides I only joke like this with friends whom I truly respect and that define ‘cool’. That would be Mandie.